OnLine Coach 

Was I Too Harsh?

The background to this question is that a very community minded subscriber was trying to assist a certain local department by arranging training, at no cost, for the staff. I was approached regarding volunteering my services which I did.

The head of this department then refused the training and said that he did not need help

My subscriber writes that

he is upset with me for the replies I have sent you about him not contacting  you, and has said he does not need the skills you were to provide as he has now sourced it elsewhere, I wish him luck.

We are having some hurdles in dealing with these arrogant men, plse help me understand what I did wrong, he is upset because I called his behaviour of not replying to emails and telephone 'incompetent'

Was I too harsh?

There is an old saying "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" This means that we get more done by being nice than by being nasty. The only time that it really works to be nasty, and then only in the short term, is if you have actual authority over the person that you are dealing with.

When we want people to do something that we want, then the best way to do it is to help them to want it as well, because when they want it they will make an effort to do it. How do you get people to want what you want? Show them the benefit that they will get by doing it. If there is no real benefit to them then they won't be excited about doing it. Sell your idea by getting them to buy the value that they will receive by implementing your idea.

Just think about a salesperson coming to your house to sell his product. Do you buy it because he says it's a good thing to have? Or do you buy it when you believe that it's a good thing to have? No matter what the salesman believes you will make your decision based on what you feel.

Whenever you are dealing with a situation where you have to take someone to task for what they did, or did not, do, always avoid naming and blaming. The way that you name a situation, or someone's behaviour, is merely your interpretation of the event and has no place in the conversation. The risk that you run with naming and blaming is that an argument develops over whether your interpretation is accurate or not. In this instance it would have been better to merely state the facts. "My contacts say that they haven't heard from you" and then ask "Is this true?" and wait for an answer before continuing. Should the person confirm the statement you could then ask "Is there anything that is stopping you from contacting them?"

What you need is agreement on the situation and then clarity as to the actual reason that it exists. Just as no court deals with opinion so should we avoid it and stick to facts.

I hope that this helps. I have attached a powerful model for dealing with conflict that I am sure will help you in future.